I’ve decided to compile a list of 11 random pointers for some of my friends who are new to clubbing.  Clubbing is a pretty cool social event, and although I don’t do it as often as people think I do I would say I’m a pretty cool hangout buddy.  I’m no expert, but after about 10 years of boozing up and clubbing with pals, I’m still alive so I’d say I know a few things about it.

#1 - Shave your pits. One day at a school field trip, I was sitting with the guys at the back of the bus and all of a sudden they started talking about a girl with hairy underarms.  I don’t even want to share the term used to describe the girl.  Guys gossip a lot, so if you want to give them one less thing to talk about especially if you’re at the club dancing or whatnot, this is a must-do.  It also helps if you get lucky…if you know what I mean.

#2 – Wear pants or jeans. This is a must for most clubs in Shanghai, because it’s full of pervs.  Wearing a short skirt or a short dress will render a girl vulnerable to attack so to speak.  Wear a nice top over that and you’re good to go.  A good indication is checking out what your friends are wearing…and making sure you blend in with them.

#3 – Get up and dance. Nobody wants to hang out with a spoilsport.  Nightclub dancefloors are usually dark and the disco lights are blinding.  So nobody cares if you can’t dance and there is no panel of judges either.  You score points with your buddies if you lead them to the dancefloor.  Less is more if you REALLY can’t dance to a tune.  I once went clubbing with a girl who had never been to a club before and she jumped on the dancefloor and just freaked out.  Freak out as in her dance moves  were so…”unique” and it made everyone leave the floor.  But it was funny and hey, at least she was on the dancefloor, right? If you really have to sit down alone in the corner, at least move to the beat of the music and act like you’re game.

#4 – Never trust a “girls night out”. In the presence of men, most of your girl friends will be your worst enemy and might not keep their word (i.e. a girls night out is supposedly a sisterly bonding thing between girl friends).  ‘Girls night out’ somehow ends up being ‘guys night in’…if you know what I mean.  Secretly invite a potential FwB – not your current, or your gay best friend who’s still in the closet! Spend 1-2 hours bonding with your female friends, and then bail out (because chances are they have too).  Tell your friends that “he’s just a friend” but they know what’s up so there’s no need to explain anything.  Remember: you do not want to sleep with this guy, you just want him to think you do.

#5 – Never say “I want to go home”. If you are not the alpha female of the group, you are not the one to decide.  The last thing you want is for your friends to think you’re a wet blanket.  Remember: your friends will talk about you behind your back if you are not a team player.  Don’t ever sit and do nothing, don’t ever sulk in a corner.  If you HAVE to get away, lock yourself in the bathroom at least 2 hours when none of your friends are looking.  Social stamina is key.

#6 – You are only what you appear to be. In any social situation, you are judged by appearance and disposition.  If you’re not a confident person, fake it.  If you want attention you have to be the alpha female of the group, period.  If you don’t want attention, stand behind the alpha female of the group.  If you don’t have a group…well, that’s your too bad.

#7 – Don’t let strangers buy you a drink. If someone you don’t know offers to buy you a drink, make sure you’re around when it’s ordered and nothing has been slipped into it.

#8 – Be in it just for the fun of it. A few years ago I started hanging out with someone who was pretty new to clubbing.  She wanted a boyfriend and decided that since clubs are full of men, that’s where she’ll go fishing.  Don’t get me wrong, she did catch plenty…I think she was up to one serious boyfriend per month…or was it every 2 weeks? But a few years later (well, today) where are they? Yeah…I didn’t think so.  Fact of the matter is, clubs are generally full of great single women and messed up men (i.e. cheaters, dumpees, divorcées, alcoholics, drug addicts, scrubs and virgins trying to get laid).  So women should know that clubbing is for teasing, and not for pleasing.

#9 – Limit alcohol consumption. If you’re actually reading this post (i.e. “Clubbing 101″ you might not know that drinking with friends at a restaurant or while watching a movie is quite different from drinking with your friends while clubbing.  Whether you are new to clubbing or not, one thing remains true: sometimes we over do the drinking and end up doing something really stupid.  Your best bet is to know how much alcohol you can take in before your head starts spinning…and drink less than that.

#10 – Always carry enough money for a taxi back home. Do not tell your girl friends that you have this because they might take it from you and buy themselves a drink.  This is your safety net.  If you’re a newbie and after about 3-4 hours of clubbing you’ve had enough, GO HOME.  Go home and don’t tell your friends that you’ve gone until they start calling.  When  they’ve left 3 missed calls on your phone, you know that they probably want to go home and are a little worried about you.  So send them a text and say “couldn’t find you guys anywhere so I went home”.  You do this because it makes you look cool, and it also shifts the blame on to them and they can’t come up with “you went home early, you loser”.  You might get called a b*tch for pulling a stunt like that but it’s still funny-cool and it gives you more personality.

#11 – The morning after. Chances are, any interesting event that occurred the night before will come up in any future conversations with the friends that were there.  Within my main group of friends, stupid and  funny stuff we’ve done like 10 years ago still come up in present day conversations.  We are unable to live it down.  You know that you’re part of a group when everyone in it has gotten your personality pinned down.  If you don’t want to be known as a certain kind of person, don’t do the kind of things this certain kind of person does – especially when you’re drunk.